Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
