jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
