My hand turned me down
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize