His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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