i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
But break dance skills will only take you so far
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
