My sheets look like a crime scene.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Randomize
