Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
