When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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