oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
