i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
