I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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