I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You left your phone here
Wait...
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
