You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
