I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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