there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
two words...techno handjob
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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