You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
