Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
