the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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