You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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