I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
