I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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