my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
