Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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