They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
It's shark week go big or go home
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
