I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
