guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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