I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
We are two peas in an std pod
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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