and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
