So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
