I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Say something about gay babies.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
