it wasn't lemon gatorade
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
