the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The beer is more important than you right now.
Dignity is for republicans.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
