i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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