So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
