if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
