Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize