I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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