FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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