her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
