I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Is Oprah even human
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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