The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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