I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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