she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
