Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
