Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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