Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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