Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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