Whod you bang
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize