You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
