Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
