Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just invented taco cereal.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
