My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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