I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
