Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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