I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
