then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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