my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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