I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
