I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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