if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
