I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
