when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
